How to be more confident
To be more confident you need to keep commitments to yourself and focus on daily habits that help you grow. The more you take responsibility for your life, the more confident you become.
I struggled with insecurity all my life, and tried to find solutions and understand how to be more confident.
I went from buying new makeup and clothes, thinking that if I look better, I will feel better. Trying to be someone I am not, putting on a mask that is nothing like me.
I tried affirmations, breath work, all in vain.
However, when I got kids, I changed. Suddenly, I had a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. To protect my kids and let them grow up confident in their own abilities, I could no longer hide and avoid problems or difficulties. I was now forced to deal with my problems and my bad habits.
What is true confidence?
Confidence is a belief in oneself, the conviction that one can meet life’s challenges and succeed, and the willingness to act accordingly. Being confident requires a realistic sense of one’s capabilities and feeling secure in that knowledge.
It is not easy to miss a truly confident person. You can see them straight away; they approach others with ease and are not too concerned about what other people think of them. They do not really care about impressing others, and are not self-obsessed.
But you need to differentiate between confidence and arrogance. You may see a lot of people walking down the street with an air of importance, with a conceited look in their eyes.
Arrogant people tend to act superior to others, show a lack of empathy, and have delusional views of their own greatness and capabilities.
They are also self-obsessed and need to be adored. Instagram is full of such people who crave attention and likes.
A truly confident person does not care about likes and adoration. They are self-assured, believe in their actual abilities, are willing to take a certain risk, and are willing to further grow and develop.
Today, with social media, we seem to have lost the difference between confidence and arrogance. And we equate bold photos or bold clothes with confidence.
How to be more confident
The more you do, the more confident you feel
Kids who are overprotected by their parents end up feeling insecure and inadequate. And if you do everything for them, you are building your own confidence by taking theirs.
Even chores like going to the market, grocery store, cleaning the house, driving a car, doing medical checkups, and overtime give you confidence in your abilities to get things done.
Nothing can replace “doing”. No amount of books you read, YouTube videos you watch, or affirmations you repeat. It all comes down to taking action yourself and always doing things by yourself.
Sometimes, you will fail, but almost every action you take, even if it is unsuccessful, brings you closer to your goals and increases your ability to deal with situations and people.
So next time you feel lazy and it feels easier to send someone to do an uncomfortable chore, step up. And do the task yourself.
I was in the past always relying on my parents, and then my husband, to get things done. But when I stepped up, and took more responsibility, I started to feel much more confident.
And I am talking about the smallest things, like taking the kids alone to the doctor, going shopping alone, paying the bills….
Focus on daily habits that help build confidence
You build confidence by showing up and keeping the commitments to yourself. And the best way to show up is in your daily routines.
You exersize even when you don’t feel like it, you work even when you are tired, you are there for your kids even when you have no time.
Review your daily habits and start there. There is no confidence for a person who is struggling to meet his/her physical, social, or mental needs.
By eating properly, exercising, and working consistently on your goals, you are building up your confidence.
My confidence skyrocketed once I started to exersize daily. All of a sudden, I felt stronger, brighter, more able. I felt I could do anything and reach any goal.
Once you tap into that mindset of pushing through and getting things done even when you do not feel like it, your whole perspective on life changes.
You understand that all along, you had this control in your hands, you just never used it.
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The way you speak to yourself
Inner thoughts are very important. They are not a mirror of reality, they are a reflection of your experiences, fears, and mood.
Monitor the way you speak to yourself when you make a mistake. Are you harsh? Are you calling yourself stupid? Are you downplaying yourself to others when you make a mistake?
Confidence must start within you. There is not a single person who does not make mistakes and fail. But how we approach these mistakes is what makes a difference.
Change your thoughts from passive-aggressive to being positive and proactive.
“How stupid of me to do that” becomes “Next time, I will do better.“
“I am bad at football, and I will never play it again” becomes “I will keep playing until I get better.“
I was too guilty of putting myself down. Even now, I sometimes catch myself thinking negative and demeaning thoughts about myself.
But now I recognize them for what they are. My mind is trying to trick me into feeling sorry for myself.
Whenever you start to feel that way, just stop. And correct the thoughts immediately.
Trust in yourself
You have to trust and believe in yourself. If you notice something that bothers you or something strange, then you need to trust your gut feeling.
Too often, we notice something that is strange, like your partner hiding his phone or your kid behaving strangely. Then, for whatever reason, we disregard that feeling, tell ourselves that we are crazy or insecure.
But when you notice something and feel in your heart that it is bothering you, you are almost always right.
So trust your gut feeling in your relationships, work, family life, or with friends.
Have strong boundaries
When someone disrespects you, you need to act. If you don’t and if you let that pass, it will happen again.
You never regret taking action, but you always regret not taking action when someone betrays your trust.
The biggest confidence booster is the knowledge that you always have your back. That you will not let anyone betray you, lie to you, hurt you, and then continue to feel sorry for yourself and live in that lie and mistrust.
Overprepare every time
You have a meeting and you feel insecure and scared that you will make a fool of yourself. I was the same.
I solved that by overpreparing for such events, to the point that I would write down what I would say and practice it before the meeting.
When you do everything you can to be ready, you feel better and you exude more confidence, even if you yourself do not see it.
Overprepare for exams, for meetings, for speeches, whatever you are facing. Just be ready, and now that you have done your best to show up.
Speak when you have something of value to say
We tend to speak a lot. But it is always better to observe.
Speak when you have something of value to say. Speak a little, but when you say something, let it be impactful and of value.
We also often find out more by just listening. You can understand other people just by observing them and listening to them talk.
Do not feel the need to fill the silence with chatter all the time. Focus on other people, ask them questions, and listen to them.
You can spot insecure giggling and chatting miles away. When you feel nervous and insecure, you tend to talk a lot and nervously laugh.
So avoid that at all costs. Change your behavior to listening and speaking only when you truly have something important to share.
Pay attention to the way you stand, the tone of your voice
Finally, the way we walk, stand, and the tone of voice we use all play a role in how other people perceive us.
If you are slouched, or you are walking fast, speaking with a high-pitched tone, then you are making an impression of someone scared and insecure.
Stand straight, look people in the eye while they speak, and pay attention to the tone of your voice.
You will only have to pay attention to this for a while, and then it will become second nature to you.
I wasn’t aware how important our bearing was until I heard Eve Pampouras talk online about how criminals choose their victims. They choose people who are walking in a rush, slouching, and displaying insecurity and weakness.
By looking like a victim, you draw the attention of those who want to take advantage of that.
So pay attention to your bearing whenever you are on a street, in a restaurant, or travelling.
Final Thoughts
The road to feeling more confident is not easy. It means you need to work on yourself first, become the person who acts, who learns, who is not afraid of failure.
You need to take ownership of your mistakes and failures and focus on what these mistakes taught you.
Look at your daily habits, and try to build routines you will feel proud of.
Building confidence is a long journey, and it will not happen overnight. But if you start now, you will get there step by step.
The content you consume online will not get you there, you need to focus on yourself, your habits, and your abilities. Many people believe that they will write affirmations, repeat them in front of the mirror, sleep listening to them, and that this will make them confident.
But confidence is something that comes with your ability to get things done and solve problems. And the only way to have that ability is to practice, fail, and then practice some more.
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